Be it ever so humble...

I finally have left home.

Twenty-one years ago I packed my bags and started my own journey on this road we call life...and up until this point I have never really unpacked my baggage.

While a University student, i often heard the phrase.."I am going home this weekend". School was not a home..home was where you could eat for free and do your laundry without someone stealing your sweaters. Home was where your friends and family were.
I continued to utter that phrase after leaving school, but again..i was still living the life of a student..milk crates and Mr. Noodles. Scrounging for bus fare and laundry money. Home was a safe place where i never worried about paying the bills..and i always left with a fresh supply of stuff. (you know the stuff i mean...laundry soap, toilet paper, and peanut butter to name but a few.)
But then I got married.
And still, when going to visit my parents, i would utter the phrase...I was going home.

Years passed, children were born, and yet i never failed to utter the words..going home when talking about visiting my parents.

I wondered about this, spoke to friends and family...and decided that it was normal. After all, that was where i had grown up, found myself, become "me". Of course i would think of it as a safe place.

(this in its self is funny, since home was never a safe place, and those who know about the issues i had with my family will see the humour in me thinking it was a safe place for me to be)

Yesterday, Keith and i loaded up the kids and took off down the highway. We headed back to the place i grew up...to meet up with old friends...all save one that i have not seen in over 20 years. We were staying at my Father's home...the place where i grew up.

For the first time, as we pulled into the driveway, i notice how tired the old house looked. How small it was...and how...it was not giving me "that feeling" that i usually got when we pulled up. As i walked inside I did not get the pangs of longing for yesteryear...I just wanted to put my stuff down.

The kids got to spend time with Grandpa and Uncle Chris (my little brother) while Keith and i headed out to dinner.
The dinner was nice, and it was great to see how people had changed after all of those years...but i noticed something. Many of them had really not changed. As i sat at the table and listened to various conversations, i noticed something. If i closed my eyes, and just listened...i would not have known that any time had passed at all. All but a few still lived in this tiny town. They all still knew the same people..nothing had really changed for them. And while i did enjoy hearing about some of the people i went to grade school and high school with....mostly...i just didn't care.

And then, i said of of two things that shocked my husband.
I said that i would never want to move back to this area.
I saw his jaw hit the floor..and the friend that i was talking to kind of looked at me sideways..she and i have remained close and knows that the "home" issue is something that i have been dealing with for years.
But I said it. And i meant it.

And this morning as we ate breakfast, Bug asked me when we were leaving..while i gave her my answer, the voice inside my head said...as soon as we can...

We pulled out of the driveway and headed down the highway..and i think for the first time in all of those years, i did not stare at the houses, thinking..that was where Connie lived..and Wendy..and there is the field were we played baseball and soccer and.....
I simply looked ahead at the road in front of me...and thought of nothing.

We had a lovely ride, except for the horrible customer service at two different businesses in Blenheim.
As we passed the "WELCOME TO..." sign, the kids cheered in the back seat..and i said it is good to be home.
That was the second time Keith's jaw hit the floor.
I never say that when coming back to the city.

We pulled up to the house, and waved to the neighbours as we unloaded the car.
We hugged Papa who was glad to see us back.
We fed the cat and checked the phone and email messages.
We hauled our stuff upstairs.
And we unpacked.

I unpacked.
And for the first time, i really emptied my suitcase, and put my things away.
All of them.
Because for the first time ever...

I am home.

Comments

[Mary]

Glad you found your home...and you are right, most of the people at the reunion haven't changed...which could be good or bad, I guess. I think you and I are the only ones who moved beyond St.T.

[Mary]

Glad you found your home...and you are right, most of the people at the reunion haven't changed...which could be good or bad, I guess. I think you and I are the only ones who moved beyond St.T.