How do you say the words..that he may not remember anyways?

Those of you who stopped in to read something funny...you will need to head somewhere else today.

Today going to be the worst day in my life.
I said that to my mother while talking to her on the phone the other night, and she commented..but you have a WHOLE lot of years to choose from. Why this day?
Because..
Today I have to tell Papa that he is dying.

A few months ago we started down a road of tests. By accident, on a x-ray to see if he had broken any ribs during a fall, something showed up that made his doctor go HMMMM??? This called for more tests, xrays, CAT scans and ended with a biopsy two weeks ago. The biopsy has come back positive.

Cancer.

It wasn't enough that it had to take his wife, now it has come back to tear us apart again.

Papa has sat through all of the appointments, not having a clue as to why we were doing these tests. Even during the final meeting with the Dr. he "zoned" out the way he does when too many people are talking. He cannot follow fast conversations, not to mention the memory issues. He can't remember things that he was told 10 minutes ago.

My husband and his siblings and i have talked at great length as to what to do. We know that Papa is not going to want any treatment. We know that he wants to go and be with Mom. Every day he tells me how much he can't wait to be with her. And now he is getting his wish. We cannot take that away from him. He is 84, and has had two heart attacks, several strokes, suffers from vascular dementia and is currently being treated for Alzheimers and Emphasemia and is Diabetic.

His cancer, ADENOCARCINOMA is in his Lungs.
Lung Cancer.
Inoperable.

DAMN!

When the doctor told us, i got down on my knees or the first time and thanked God that he can''t remember things. I thought that at least it would make things easier. But now I am not so sure. How do you tell someone that they are dying? How do you tell someone who is not going to remember the conversation by lunch time?

Our lives here often mimic that Bill Murray movie Groundhog Day. We repeat the same things over and over again. Partially due to the fact that dementia and Alzheimer sufferers need routine. LOTS OF ROUTINE.

In the morning as i give him his meds, he asks why he is taking them. We go through each pill, each puffer and talk about what they are for. The following day we do the same thing. And the day after that. It is our routine. After the meds, we have our tea (or coffee in my case) and we talk about whatever is on his mind. And trust me, I never know where that morning conversation is going to go. But that is our routine. And it has been for almost 5 years. Even before i took over his meds, we would connect every morning. In the summer our talks take place on the front porch in the big comfy chairs, in the winter we curl up on his bed.

This morning, I have to steer the conversation in a direction I do not want to go.

Even harder, i now have to tell Bug that Papa is sick. Very sick. Dying. Since she lives with him, she knows that he has not been well. Both kids are well versed in Papa...both are able to give him meds, and Munch is well aware of what to do if something should happen on the odd time that Keith or I are not here.

Bug is 7. Papa came to live with us just before her 3rd birthday. In actuality, she does not know life without Papa here. Every night at 7pm she scampers off to his room and curls up to watch Wheel of Fortune and talk about her day...much the same way that Munch used to when he was younger. Munch now goes to Papa for stories. Stories of when Papa was young, growing up with 11 siblings in Kilmarnock Scotland. But the way Munch sees him now is different. he is older, and understands that Papa is not well. We told Munch the other night about Papa's diagnosis. My heart broke as i held him. But at the end, he straightened up and said..I already knew Mom, tell me what i am going to need to know. What can i do.
I can talk to him like an adult, and i tend to forget he is still a child.

Then there is Keith.
My husband.
The baby of the family, who lost his mother 6 years ago to Breast, Brain and Lung cancer.
He has never gotten over Mom's death.
and his siblings
who are now dealing with losing another parent.
With no other close family, it is only them.

and they are hurting.
and i don't know how to fix them.

and then there is me.

While Papa is not my Father he is something so much more.
He is my friend.
When Keith brought me home to meet his parents 18 years ago, Papa was quite the charmer...and Smart ass. But..so was I and we hit it off from the moment that we met. He and Faith took me in and acted as parents, since i was hours away from my own...i was still a university student and needed a WHOLE LOT of guidance. And he provided that..and so much more.
We share so many things. Our love of music..classical, baroque..and jazz. Sortly after moving in with us, he came across me watching Adam's Rib..and told me that just because he was living with us it didn't mean that we HAD to watch old movies....I laughed and showed him that it was on tape...along with all of the other  Tracy/Hepburn or Bogart movies. I was born in the wrong era..and am ore comfortable with the stories and stars of time gone by.
Our love of antiques..our long standing joke is that i love antiques so much I had him move in with me..he is my most cherished antique.

And i am going to lose him.

And so that is why this is the worst day of my life.
i have a feeling tomorrow won't be much better either.

Comments

[Janiece]

I'm so sorry, Kim. Hugs and support to you and your family.

And stay strong - you're doing the right thing!

[Vince]

I agree with Janiece - you are doing the right things.

If I may make one suggestion. If you have a video cam, record him telling all the stories you mention him telling Munch. Take videos of he and all your family. These will bring you joy later when he's gone, and help preserve some of your family's history.

I talked to my mom, a retired nurse who has worked with hospice patients, many of who had Alzheimer's (I just said I had a friend and described the circumstances). She said the best you can do is love him and spend all the time with him you can. Make him as comfortable as possible, and make sure he knows he's loved.

As for the fact that he won't remember he's dying, she said tell him once, but then don't bring it up again unless it's necessary. She said all it will do is make your life more difficult, and it's really not helping him. As you pointed out, he doesn't retain short-term memory.

But DO capture those older memories of his, these days with him. Preserve them for yourselves, your children, and their children.

There is no way to make any of this easier. But I will say this. My ex had her last aunt die last summer. She was 84, and also had numerous medical problems. When her kidneys started to fail, she made the decision to just let life take it's course. My ex spent a lot of time with her, reliving happy memories past, helping give her her last birthday party, helping her cousin with her aunt. It was difficult for her, and she was there when her aunt died, in her own home, surrounded by people who loved her.

This was a very, very difficult time for my ex, but she said she was glad for having the time to spend with her aunt at the end.

As difficult as this is for you and your family, treasure the time you can still spend with Papa, and make the most of it.

Hugs and prayers to all of you.

[Michelle K]

((HUGS))

Remember the most important thing through this, which is to take time out for YOURSELF.

Make sure you get massages or make regular trips to the bakery to have coffee with a friend or whatever it is that relaxes you.

SCHEDULE IT. Then make sure you do it.

You can't be a good care giver if you're not taking care of yourself first.

[Angela Klocke]

Oh Kim, I'm so so so sorry... :(

(((HUGS)))

[Jeri]

Kim - big hugs and positive thoughts your way. I am so sorry you're having to deal with this - although I realize we all have to at some time or another.

I second Michelle's suggestion that you also make sure you take time to take care of yourself. An exhausted caretaker helps no one.

If you need anything we can do long distance - please ask!

[Sharon]

OH I'm sorry that you have to go through all this, Your children are very mature for their age.
Hugs
I hope for the best,.
Whatever that may be.