The one where tears get in the way...

The other day I posted about what i thought would be the hardest conversation I would ever have.
I was wrong.
The hardest conversation was the one that i just had with my 7 year old Bug.

The one where I told her about Papa.

Don't expect any brilliance here today.
Hard to type dodging teardrops.

While she took it better that I ever gave her credit for, it was what happened after that got to me.
We talked about what we believe happens when you die. We talked about when Nana died, and how Bug was too little to remember. We talked about Nana's ashes, some of which we had put into a locket for a few of the family.

Last month, when Bug had her First Communion, her Uncle Scott (Papa's eldest son) gave her a special locket, in the shape of a bible.

Bug has decided that she wants Papa to be in her locket.
THAT locket.
Because it is the most special locket she has, and Papa has to have the most special place.

I could not stop the tears at that point....not sure if it was because she "got it" or because of the VERY ADULT way that she thought out that particular thought process.

She had a few of the questions that i thought she would....what i would consider the "norm" for a child dealing with death for the first time...none of them difficult, yet they were. I hope I answered her correctly. And in correctly I mean in a way that will help her form her own safety net for grief. We have always been very honest with our children. I have spent my whole life understanding that death is a part of life.  Large Irish Catholic family meant LOTS of funerals. I want my children to grow up with a healthy acceptance of death. I want to be able to help them and guide them in dealing with the loss of someone who is so important to them. For Bug, it is almost like dealing with losing a parent. Papa has been living with us for almost her whole life. I only have one chance at helping her deal with this for the FIRST time. ..and thusly helping her deal with all of the other times in her future that she may have to deal with a death.

We spent half the day yesterday at the Cancer Clinic, where Papa formally acknowledged that he does not want any treatment. We will see the Oncologist there for now on a need to basis. The original tumor has got several smaller tumors on it, but for now is contained in the left lung. Let us hope it stays that way.

I am very sorry if that I have not gotten back to you if you have emailed. I have been preoccupied the last few days.

As for my Chapter that is due for Charlotte, it is not yet finished...but i am trying. Please bare with me. I did not intend for it to be this late, but if i have learned anything over the last few weeks, it is that shit happens, and we just have to learn to deal with it as best we can.

I am always amazed at this little group I have become involved with. Today, on what is turning out to be a not so good horrible day...I got a card in the mail. From Janiece. Who was able to bring a smile to my face RIGHT when i needed it most.

Friends.
I do not know what I would do without them.
Thank you.

Comments

[Sharon]

How Positively Wonderful of your little bug. She is a wonderful soul.
Your very lucky
hugs

[Random Michelle K]

First things first,

((HUG))

Second,

Please bare with me.

Really? Here? Now? With all these BOYS around?!

[Vince]

Leave it to Michelle to find the humor in the post due to a misspelled word.

While I also come from a large Irish Catholic family (I'm the oldest of 8 kids), my mother is an only child and my dad only had two brothers, neither of whom ever had children (one 'cause he's a priest). I've never had to do what you're having to do, and I thank God I haven't. So like Michelle

((HUG))

And yeah, friends are awesome.

And Charlotte will be fine. She's very patient and totally understands.

[Jeri]

Hugs. I learn a lot from my kids sometimes.